Thu, Aug 13, 2009
my paper
Written by -Mr Gilbert Goh


What Asian men can do to make marriage work


ONE in three marriages breaks up in our country and the problem seems set to deteriorate further.

Many of my friends have thrown in the towel and are on their own now, wallowing in the aftermath of their marital woes.

I’ve been told that keeping a marriage going is like running a marathon: You have to put in a lot of effort to maintain the relationship and, just like in a marathon, many feel like giving up once it gets too tiring and painful to carry on.

Of course, I also have friends who have perfect marriages.

These couples respect each other’s views and rarely quarrel despite their differences.

After reading many self-help books on marriage, I realised that very few of such books examine the topic from an Asian perspective, even though there are obvious differences between Western and Asian couples.

For example, Asian men tend to keep their marital problems to themselves, in contrast to their Western counterparts.

This is why many Asian husbands fail to seek counselling when their marriages start breaking apart.

Men, when given a choice, would not want to disclose their problems to a stranger.

They find it humiliating to do so and some would rather end the marriage than seek help to save it.

Despite being married for 16 years, I still constantly look for ways to enhance my marriage. I accept that mine is not a perfect marriage and can never be.

In my case, I had a difficult time accepting the changes my wife wrought five years into our marriage. She became ambitious and career minded – very different from the easy-going woman I knew before our marriage.

It took me many years to finally accept that she is, in fact, more intelligent and capable than me. That’s quite a blow to the male ego, and a bitter pill indeed for many Asian husbands to swallow!

Couples can build stronger bonds only when they do things that they both enjoy.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done, and young couples have an especially hard time as they are sandwiched between the twin obligations of looking after ageing parents and caring for their own kids.

Unlike Westerners, we Asians are taught from young not to argue with our parents, and this has harmed our ability to communicate openly with our loved ones.

Too often, couples put up with a lot of misgivings before they start talking with one another, by which time, it’s usually too late to save the marriage.

So, it is not surprising that young people are beginning to view marriage with disdain and to put it off indefinitely.

My wife and I have survived many rough patches in our marriage.

Career changes and children have driven deep wedges
into our relationship. But we’ve worked through the problems and, so far, we are moving along just fine.

I hope my experience will serve to remind others that it takes two hands to clap. No marriage is perfect but, with hard work, it can always work.



Conclusion:
People do change and a couple needs to keep up and accept each other's changes to make their marriage work.